Fortunately or unfortunately I have limited knowledge of "D&D" beyond the fact that it's referred to in the Audio/Visual Departments of high schools nationwide as "D&D," but from what I understand, role playing games and fantasy sports share the same basic concept - you concoct some alternative imaginary world where you have control of beings that possess special powers, you then engage in extended contests with others who control their own special beings and hope that yours prove to be superior.
I know I'm gonna catch a lot of crap for this piece because all my friends are into "fantasy" sports. How do I know they're into "fantasy" sports? They all demanded I join their "fantasy" league. Then when I told them I don't do "fantasy" sports, they all looked at me like I was some kind of social outcast - like the guy who turns down weed at a Phish show.
"Whaddayamean you don't do fantasy sports? Everybody does fantasy sports! Dude, you're not cool unless you do fantasy sports. Try it, man, you'll like it - it's a rush!"
Goddamn, pusher-man. Why can't I just go on enjoying sports the way I want to? I get excited enough over sports, I don't need to immerse myself any further into that opiate of the masses. There is indisputable proof, well documented by past issues of this column, that will attest to my fanaticism. And if that's not enough, I have the scars to prove it - not scars from playing sports but from watching sports...and then punching things or people.
Which brings about my first reason for not partaking in fantasy sports. I get excited enough as it is. More than once I've had to lie down after watching a Green Bay game (and I was sober, thank you very much...), and I've experienced shortness of breath and chest pains watching the Yankees (this season is not helping AT ALL!!!), so the fact is, I can't afford to go out and create some other team to make me even more stressed out. I've got enough to worry about already.
Secondly, as a rabid and lifelong fan of all my teams in their respective sports, how could you possibly expect me to cheer for a player who's not on my "reality" team? How in the hell would you expect me to pull for Dante Culpepper or Randy Moss should I end up with them in my "fantasy" draft (for those unfamiliar with this column, I have always been a Green Bay fan, despite having never lived in the state of Wisconsin. My father was a Packer fan and raised me right. That having been said, I could never root for a Viking, and while I realize Moss is no longer in Minnesota, I still think he's a scumbag.) And fantasy world or not, there's no way on God's green earth I could root for one of the Red Sux, and my luck I'd get Manny Ramirez.
"Dude, Ramirez is a great fantasy player!"
Yeah, well $*@% him - he's still a Red Sox. That's like me rooting for Gollum, or the dark lord Sauron. Which brings up another burning question: since when do you no longer get an atomic wedgie and noogies for use Lord of the Rings references?
I don't mock my friends for their "fantasy" habits. I just wish they'd back off me for not joining them. I've even got chicks busting my stones over not playing, meanwhile they're admittedly rooting for Favre because he's "hot" and prefer the rear camera angle when Jeter is fielding a ground ball. Listen, sweetie - if you happened to put your fist through drywall watching the Packers give up a TD to the 49ers with 3 seconds left in the 1999 NFC Wild Card game, well, then maybe you can question my devotion to sports.
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.
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